


I Never Told You

by Dazeventura6



Series: Regrets [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Kidnapping, M/M, kinda sorta happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-28 21:48:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13912851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dazeventura6/pseuds/Dazeventura6
Summary: James Bond is running away. Running as far as he can from his feelings but will it work or will it end in disaster for everyone involved.





	I Never Told You

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics from I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat.  
> Many thanks to my beta GhostInTheBAU for putting up with me and my writing.

_ I miss those blue eyes _

_ How you kiss me at night _

_ I miss the way we sleep _

_ Like there's no sunrise _

_ Like the taste of your smile _

_ I miss the way we breathe _

Bond stared out at the view from his apartment in the Austrian Alps unseeingly. The gorgeous view of snow-capped peaks that had so moved him when he and Madeline had first seen the place now held no interest for him. In fact , he didn’t even see it anymore. He knew he had made a mistake leaving with the beautiful Dr. Swann , but he couldn’t go back now. He had burnt those bridges. Q would never take him back, he had hurt the other man too much by leaving as he had and taking the car the younger man had built for him as well.

He had started sleeping with the younger man shortly after the Skyfall incident , as it had been dubbed in reports. At first, it was just that he needed to feel something, anything , other than his grief and numbness following M’s death ; and he was flattered that someone so young and beautiful would still want an old, scarred battleship like him. Then it just became a habit to come back to Q fresh from a mission and let his quartermaster patch him up if he needed patching ,  then screw the younger man into the nearest horizontal surface. He had made it a point ,  however , to not stay the night.

Not staying was just habit , but as time went on and he kept coming back to Q he never stayed , even though holding the younger man in his arms after they had sex was the only time he felt truly at peace. This scared him. It scared him enough that he began to request longer missions , and finally, the Spectre debacle happened and Madeline was an easy way out. He needed out of the espionage game, a break, and he convinced himself that if he was away from the dark-haired boffin it would be best for them both . Also,  he knew that Q would not question him, would not confront him on his cowardice.

_ But I never told you _

_ What I should have said _

_ No, I never told you _

_ I just held it in _

_ And now, _

_ I miss everything about you _

_ Can't believe that I still want you _

_ And after all the things we've been through _

_ I miss everything about you _

           Bond hadn’t intended to take the car but he couldn’t bring himself to leave without one last look at his quartermaster , and the car was a convenient excuse. The look on Q’s face as he handed over the keys had almost broken him, almost made him stay , but at the last second he had panicked at the depth of what he felt for the boffin and he had run away with Madeline in tow.

He knew it wasn’t fair to her what he was doing , so he tried harder to be the attentive loving partner she deserved , but he found himself increasingly missing dark hair that had a mind of its own and lovely changeable eyes that seemed to shift with the boffin’s mood. He missed the way Q would look at him, one part exasperation and one part fondness , whenever he strolled into Q-branch. He missed the banter, the quartermaster’s sharp witty rejoinders to all his flirting, effortlessly keeping up with him. Most of all he found he missed the way the younger man would curl into him, holding on as though he was the most important thing in his world as he fell asleep.

Now , finally , he was close to giving in and admitting his mistake. He reached for the secure phone that Tanner had handed him as he was leaving and it started ringing in his hand. He answered quickly so as not to wake Madeline.

“Bond,” he said softly into the phone.

Moneypenny’s tearful voice in the background was all he could he a r for a few second s, but it was enough for his heart to stop. He knew….he didn’t know how but he just knew that something was wrong.

“Bond- James. I-I’m sorry. I don’t know how to tell you this but…..Q is...Q is gone,” Tanner stuttered out at last.

“Gone? What do you mean gone? If he’s been taken I’m coming in. I’ll help find him,” Bond said , holding on to hope with desperate hands.

“He-he was taken two nights ago on his way home from work. We only found out when he didn’t show up for work in the morning. We were getting close to tracking him down when we ... we found the body. James , I’m sorry , but ... Q is dead.”

“No . N o , it can’t be. He’s not dead. You  must have  made a mistake.” James felt his world crumbling around him as he listened to Tanner telling him how the body was so badly mutilated that they had to use DNA to identify him.

He didn’t even realise when the phone slipped through his suddenly nerveless hands and hit the floor , shattering. He sank to his knees , trying desperately to put it back together because it suddenly struck his shocked mind that Q would be mad at him for destroying  yet  another of his gadgets. The thought that Q would never be able to express an opinion again cut him to the quick , and he crumpled , burying his head in his hands. How long he sat there he didn't know , but there were no tears. He couldn’t find any tears to cry for the love he had so easily squandered now that he was gone forever. 

_ Without you, oh _

_ I see your blue eyes _

_ Every time I close mine _

_ You make it hard to see _

_ Where I belong to _

_ When I'm not around you _

_ It's like I'm not with me _

_ But I never told you _

_ What I should have said _

_ No, I never told you _

_ I just held it in _

James thought of going back and helping to find Q’s killers, but he couldn’t muster the energy or the will to care. No matter what he did, Q was never coming back. He would never see those changeable eyes light up with joy and excitement at the end of a difficult mission, or watch that lovely form slumber beside him again. He couldn’t bring himself to care about anything, not even Madeline. She had tried to ask him what was wrong and tried to cheer him up, but he was too deep in his own grief and loss that he barely noticed her presence. He began drinking heavily, as that was the only thing that would help him fall into a dreamless stupor in the night.

Madeline finally had enough of his apathy and left him. It took him two days to notice that she had not come home and find the note she had left him telling him she was leaving ; and when he did  find it,  he didn ’ t care. He had failed at this as well , but what did it matter compared to the loss of Q ?

_ And now, _

_ I miss everything about you (still you're gone) _

_ Can't believe that I still want you (loving you I should have never walked away) _

_ And after all the things we've been through (I know it's never going to come again) _

_ I miss everything about you _

_ Without you _

_ But I never told you _

_ What I should have said _

_ No, I never told you _

_ I just held it in _

Eve finally came and dragged him back to England and MI6 despite his protests that it would be too painful to be where most of his memories of his boffin were. She called him a coward and told him Q would be ashamed of him. Some of it  actually  managed to penetrate his apathy and depression , and he got himself showered and shaved and dressed in his best suit to go meet M and discuss the possibility of a new mission.

M was reluctant , but with Moneypenny and Tanner’s support, James convinced him to reinstate his 00 status and give him a new mission. The first couple of missions were easy ones ; and if James was a little more reckless than usual nobody said anything. The third mission was only given to him because there were no other 00’s available at the time , but oh  how it changed his world.

_ And now, _

_ I miss everything about you (still you're gone) _

_ Can't believe that I still want you (loving you I should have never walked away) _

_ And after all the things we've been through (I know it's never going to come again) _

His mission had been to infiltrate one of Spectre’s minor offshoots that had sprung up in the aftermath , and Bond had been ruthless and efficient. So much so that he barely got winged by a bullet -- much to his disappointment -- as he made his way through the facility towards something that all the people he came across seemed determined to keep him from.

When he finally pushed open the locked door he was in for the shock of his life. And his world changed again. There ,  bloody and beaten ,  was his Q. If not for the faint rise and fall of his chest James would have thought he was dead, but no, he could see it. Faint , but  it was  there.

As he gathered his love in his arms and made his way out of the facility , he found his vision blinded by all the tears he hadn’t been able to cry when he had thought Q was dead.

_ I miss everything about you _

_ Without you _

_ Oh oh oh oh oh _

_ Mmm mmm mmm mmm _


End file.
